


Hurt From Afar

by ErykahChanel



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Complicated Relationships, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 21:46:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14627667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErykahChanel/pseuds/ErykahChanel
Summary: Alec and Magnus have had a fight, and have been broken up for weeks. When they see each other again, it’s at the same place they met: a slam poetry session.





	Hurt From Afar

There were only a handful of people and a round table between them, but they may as well have been a thousand miles apart. 

Alec was lingering near the door, torn between wanting to melt into the crowd, or duck out before anyone else saw him. He hadn’t planned for this. 

Days turned to weeks, and he’d taken solace in a pen and paper, pouring his heart out the only way he knew how. Night after night, the hours slipped by, and all he could do was sit in his room and _write _. The crumpled pages of his notebook felt thick and heavy in his pocket, but he wouldn’t be needing them. The words were written on his heart long before he’d been able to put them on paper.__

__Magnus was by the table, drink in hand, reminding himself to breathe. He’d thought he was ready. He’d assumed that he’d be able to come back to the place where it all began without his stomach twisting itself into knots. He hadn’t planned for this, either._ _

__Unlike Alec, Magnus hadn’t written a damned thing. How could he? How could he have even _tried _piecing himself together long enough to do the one thing that once brought him so much joy, and now brought nothing but pain? That wasn’t therapeutic, and it wouldn’t help him heal. For Magnus, it would’ve been like pouring salt into a fresh, jagged wound._ _ __

__

__

__He wasn’t sure why he’d come back. He had no idea why he was set to go on stage. He didn’t know if he’d be able to speak once he was up there - not when the very source of his heartbreak was standing a few feet away._ _

__This, Magnus thought, was the definition of hell._ _

__There were no roaring flames; no evil man with horns; no wailings of the damned. There was only loss, heartache, and regret._ _

__Alec’s feet felt like they’d been encased in concrete, and walking to the seats beside the stage took nearly everything he had. He’d been psyching himself up on the way in, trying to remind himself that _this _was his relief. This was his sanctuary; this was how he dealt with his feelings. Baring your heart and soul to a room full of strangers each month would’ve terrified most people, but not Alec. Once upon a time, one would’ve considered him fearless for it.___ _

_____Fearless._ _ _ _ _

______Magnus swallowed roughly, trying not to watch Alec’s every move, and failing miserably. He remembered the night they met, and how his heart threatened to tear itself from the confinements of his chest the first time he’d looked up to see Alec in front of the mic._ _ _ _ _ _

______All the other poets had started to look the same to him. They all took the stage the same way: a nervous smile paired with a wave, a quick introduction as to what they were going to be saying, followed by an underwhelming monologue that one could only respond to with a brief nod of approval, or a clap - if they were lucky._ _ _ _ _ _

______Alec was different._ _ _ _ _ _

______He’d taken the stage with no need or want for approval. His hands never shook when he took the mic. He hadn’t struggled with his words, or bothered to introduce himself. No, he’d simply gone up there and spoke with the confidence of a man who was used to speaking his mind, and Magnus had shifted to the edge of his seat, hanging on his every word._ _ _ _ _ _

______Now, Alec didn’t look so confident. He was sitting alone, biting the corner of his lip, something he often did when he was anxious. In the past, Magnus would’ve been the one to kiss that lip, and tell him to relax, but those times were long gone. Alec would continue to sit there and fidget, and Magnus would keep a considerable amount of space between them._ _ _ _ _ _

______When it was time to begin, Magnus was the first one up, and the tension in the room was palpable. The distance between him and Alec hadn’t gone unnoticed by the others, and it seemed as if every pair of eyes was constantly shifting between the two, hoping to catch a glimpse of the familiar couple they’d all grown used to seeing. Many of them wondered how two people could go from being so close, you couldn’t tell where one ended and the other began, to so far apart, you wouldn’t have guessed they’d ever known each other at all._ _ _ _ _ _

______The lights dimmed, and a warm, red glow filled the stage around Magnus. This was his signature color, but tonight, he didn’t want it to be soft. He wanted harsh, red lighting illuminating his features. He was done masking his anger as well as his pain._ _ _ _ _ _

______Tonight, he wanted it all on display._ _ _ _ _ _

______He closed his eyes for a moment, and grabbed the mic. As much as it killed him, he let everyone in the audience fade from his mind, until only one remained. The one who’d encouraged him to open up this way. The one who’d laid beside him and traced poems of his own across his bare skin with his fingertips. The one whose lips tasted of marvelous stories yet to be told._ _ _ _ _ _

______When he opened them again, that someone was all he could see._ _ _ _ _ _

______“The man you _were _\- the man I wanted to marry - would have kicked your ass all over this God damned room for talking to me like that. You were someone. You were that guy, the one who had the principles and the backbone.”___ _ _ _ _ _

________A few people gasped and turned to one another, whispering animatedly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Magnus _never _cursed on stage. He thought it was tasteless, yet there he was, caught in the act without shame. Alec winced in his seat, and found that he couldn’t look away. If Magnus’ mouth was a loaded gun, his tongue was the trigger, and every word would tear through Alec like a bullet.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I would rather you take a knife to my skin than speak words so cold.” Magnus went on. “You spoke to me as if I were a stranger, when for the past few months, we’ve been as close as it is possible for two people to be. You struck me with your words as if I’d crossed some invisible line in the sand. You looked into my eyes and said whatever would hurt the most, and knowing me the way you do, it wasn’t a difficult task. In those moments, I didn’t know who you were, and have since wondered if you even know yourself. Don’t you know what you’re doing? Can’t you stop?” Magnus could feel his throat beginning to swell, but he wouldn’t - couldn’t - allow himself to break. Not here._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Not now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________A hush fell over the room, and all he could hear was the sound of his own heart. Whether it was beating or breaking, he wasn’t sure, but when he spoke again, his tone was steady and controlled._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You said you loved me, and I believed you, because you gave me your word. You said I was your soulmate, and in return, I allowed you to became part of the bedrock of my personality. Then, one sunny day, under a cloudless sky, you took my heart in your hands, and tore it to pieces. It would have been kinder to _kill _me. Now, I must be this person filled with a bitterness I can’t control. If it wouldn’t wound me so badly, I’d see you six feet under and walk away without shedding a single tear - not one.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Alec couldn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth. Magnus had always been the kinder half of their relationship. His heart was pure and forgiving - a complete contradiction to the vengeance lacing his tone now. His brain had thrown itself into overdrive, and his muscles contracted painfully. His body was telling him to run, and break away from all the hurt before it was too late, but he couldn’t move. He _had _to sit through it, because running away was what got him in this position in the first place.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He couldn’t run away anymore, no matter how much it hurt._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“What you did doesn’t hurt,” Magnus paused, looking out into the crowd, seeing nothing but inquisitive faces. “You know me - I can forgive almost anything. What hurts, is the _lie _. You failed to trust me, and that’s alright. At times, I failed to trust you when I should have. Isn’t that the sign of romantic love - the struggle against jealousy, possession and control? The lie tells me two things; the first is that you underestimate what I can forgive. The second is that you underestimate my ability to detect your untruthfulness. Two hurts for the price of one; not bad for a minor indiscretion.” Magnus knew he shouldn’t have looked in Alec’s direction, but he did it anyway, and nearly toppled over.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________That man was his everything; his rock, his true love, his beacon of light, his comfort, yet there he was, up on stage, cutting into his heart with every word, and Alec wasn’t leaving. Magnus was conflicted, and wasn’t sure how he was supposed to continue._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Should he dig deeper? Find the weakest nerve and press onto it with all he had until he’d driven Alec away for good this time? Should he quit while he was ahead, and go home where he was safe from those eyes that threatened to bring him to his knees?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He kept his head turned in Alec’s direction, so this time, there’d be no doubt as to who he was talking to._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“You think yourself better than the ‘one night stand’ guys, and in many ways, you are, but you’re in denial.” He lowered his voice. “Just like them, you’re scared of intimacy. You want commitment, demand loyalty, and need love so _desperately _, but fear the vulnerability it brings. I can’t be with someone who’ll never trust me enough to let me all the way in. I refuse to be the one on the outside, forever sitting on your doorstep. I love you, and I don’t think I can live without you, but perhaps it’s better to heal alone than to be continuously broken.” Magnus didn’t wait for nods of approval, or subject himself to those same curious faces that stared back at him.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________He simply placed the microphone back on the stand, and left the stage._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________The audience sat stunned, murmuring amongst themselves, still trying to comprehend what the hell had just happened, but they wouldn’t get an answer, because someone was already making their way to the stage._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________The red light faded, giving way to a cool, blue toned one instead. _This _was Alec, through and through; cool, calm, and absolutely callous at times. No one ever thinks of blue as the warmest color, but somehow, that’s what it was for Alec.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________It was his turn to take the microphone, and when he did, it was no different than any other time. He kept a cool exterior; always slightly aloof, eyes never quite focusing on one particular thing, but when he began to speak, his voice gave him away._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“I hurt you, and I’m so sorry.” The sound of the apology made Magnus stop near the door. “I pull with one hand, and push with the other. I know I’m doing it, but I don’t stop; I don’t know how. I love you, and I’m scared to. When I love, it’s too strong, like God turned my emotion dials up way too far, and no-one really likes it. They see the way I am, and they don’t understand. Not the way you do. I can’t turn my emotions down, can’t temper them the way others don’t appear to have to. It seems like all I can do it give mixed messages that disguise my love, distorting it until you can barely recognize it for what it is. If you really want to know me, I can do it without hurting you. I just need a little time to adjust to someone who doesn’t need the emotional dampeners on.” Magnus turned around slowly, but refused to step closer._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He knew that the space between them was a protective barrier, and if he moved so much as an inch, he’d go crumbling right along with it. So, he stood fast, and stared at Alec with the only expression he could muster._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________Indifference _.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“I’ve poured warmth into you for so long, and you love it, I know you do.” Alec continued. “Then, you turn on the cold to shut me down. It _hurts _.” The pain in his voice was undeniable, and that was enough to shut everyone up.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________Alec Lightwood had talked about many things up on that stage. Depression, loneliness, anger, fear, and even hatred, but never pain._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“Every time is a new wound, a new scar to add to the collection. You know it’s never enough to make me stop loving you, but I need you to try; try not to go cold in that way. The hurt covers me like a cloak I never wanted, bonding to my skin when all I ever wanted was the sunshine. That’s why I act the way I do for several days afterwards, it takes time to shed something like that.” His lips trembled, and he lowered the mic to still them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________He hated the way everyone was looking at him, then decided he hated himself more for giving them a reason to. He’d come to speak his mind, and walk away unscathed, yet it was sounding more and more like he was pleading with Magnus, desperate to give him yet another reason to stay._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“The word I gave you… it wasn’t because I felt chained, but because I honor you and love you more than everything that I am. So, when you act like it was _nothing _that I gave, it hurts me in a way that cuts to the core of who I am.” Magnus exhaled, and wrapped his arms around himself.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________He should’ve gone home the minute he saw Alec across the room, but how could he? How could _anyone _look at Alexander, and turn in the opposite direction willingly?___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________“Listen to my words.” Alec knew Magnus better than anyone; he knew exactly what to say to keep him from running. “They come from my soul - a bridge to your own. They’re something you can trust. I know it hasn’t always appeared that way, and that’s no one’s fault but mine. I’m sorry for the pain I caused; I think part of me needed to test you, to see how you’d respond, to make sure you were a safe person. Now, I know that you are, and I carry the shame for needing more than your word.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________With each second that passed, it became harder and harder for Magnus to breathe, and he hated Alec for it. He hated that he was able to steal the very breath from his lungs with musings and sweet words. No matter how many times he swore he wouldn’t believe them, he caved every time._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________Alec was breathing just fine, but that was only because he wasn’t letting himself stop talking long enough to think about the words coming out of his mouth. He was the kind of man that had to force himself to live in the moment before he lost his nerve, so he went on._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________“I can’t stop loving you. Even when you leave me and my heart in a shattered disarray of pieces. Every single time you leave, you steal a part of me, and you make it impossible for me to put myself together. And yet, I fight like hell to make my way back to you. Why is that?” The question hung in the air, and no one knew if he was asking himself, or Magnus._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________“Maybe I do it in hopes that you’ll return what you’ve stolen, but we both know you never will. You just take _more _, and for you, more is never enough. You can take me, you can take my heart, you can take the hearts of a million and it would never be enough for you.” He sounded angry, but that time, Magnus knew it wasn’t directed at him.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________This was the Alec he’d met that night. The man who twisted and bent every emotion in on itself until every metaphorical finger was pointed at him, and him alone. Even when he appeared to be broken beyond repair, he still found a way to blame himself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________Yes, Magnus may have taken parts of him, but he’d allowed it time and time again. Enough was only ever enough when one _said _it was, and Alec never did.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________“You smile, and it’s intoxicating,” Alec bit back a smile of his own. “Your fingers brush through my hair, and it’s addicting. You laugh, and it’s contagious. You and your flirtatious self. You know exactly what you do to me - of course you’d know exactly how to hurt me, too.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________Magnus wanted to run up there and slap him, to grab his shoulders and _shake _him, because that’s what love did to you. In the midst of all the hurt, and the lies, and bitter words spoken with sharp tongues, it made you want to shake some sense into the person you loved more than anything else in the world.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________________________Of course I know how to hurt you, idiot. I do the same things you do to me._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________Alec was staring at Magnus, and the look they shared would’ve been enough to get one of them to surrender. To put their weapons down and wave a white flag or two, but he knew Magnus wouldn’t be reaching for the lifeline he was throwing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________Not this time._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________“When you’re gone, there’s an ache that comes and goes, always returning in quiet moments. I want to keep you close, to talk and laugh like we used to, but I can’t. I can’t, because I know that your absence is because of me.” Magnus recoiled at this. He wasn’t prepared for this._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________Apologies and admissions were one thing, but this? _Acceptance?__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________________This was all new._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________________“Please understand that nothing good can come of this right now, and I’d rather take the pain sooner than later. Maybe in a few months - or years - we can be together again, close, happy…” Alec’s eyes were glossing over with tears, and he wasn’t trying to hide it. Maybe he’d feel better if he let them fall for once._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________________“Then, we can have something good, something better. Something that has a chance of lasting. I see you everywhere I go - in the things we both love; in nature, in art and music, in silly things. You may be gone, but your aura remains, beautiful and strong, making the pain that much worse, keeping the feelings raw. In time, I’ll learn new skills to cope. I always do; I’m a survivor after all. That’s one thing you’ve taught me above all else, that I can survive _anything _, including this.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________________The passage of time can dull many things, allow the brain to redirect, and reinvest energy elsewhere. When times get tough, know that I still love you, and that I’d come running if you ever need me, but for now, our paths diverge, and every step is heavy.” Alec placed the mic back on the stand, and backed away from it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________________He’d never gotten the hang of ending things like this; he was used to simply talking, until he felt like stopping._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________________None if mattered, though. Not anymore._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________________Not when the ache of longing to be with Magnus echoed through the very marrow of his bones. It was a chill wind - trapped in the chambers of his heart. With every spare moment, his mind would rehearse a new letter to him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________________Time itself seemed to slow to such a leisurely pace, it seemed cruel to keep track of it, ringing out seconds that felt like months. Alec never knew that missing someone could take over every fiber of your being, and wring you out like a wet sponge every day. No matter how many times he’d found himself in the same position, it was a torment he was unprepared for._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________________Even though the dawn was still some time away, there was a light in Magnus’ heart that was missing just yesterday. It was a spark of hope, a ray of sunshine yet to be born, but it was there, and best of all - he could feel it. Perhaps that was the very definition of optimism, the anticipation of good things to come. It was a feeling he hadn’t experienced in so long, it was as foreign as it was welcome._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________________Magnus didn’t have to keep engaging in this emotional push and pull with Alec, and Alec didn’t need to keep spinning in circles, knowing every step to their song and dance. The truth is, they were both better off when they stopped trying, and let things happen. They didn’t have to fight like hell to get together in the first place, so it made no sense to have to fight that way to _stay _together.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________________In time, Alec would heal, and he’d learn to do so without Magnus there to guide him. If the last few weeks had taught him anything at all, it was that he didn’t need Magnus there to hold his hand anymore. In spite of all the heartbreak and misery, he was stronger, and he knew that now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________________Magnus would do a bit of learning as well. He hadn’t fallen in love with Alec; he’d been picked up and promptly thrown in, without warning. Since then, he’d been slowly drowning, struggling in a vast ocean of emotions, and ocean he hadn’t bothered to dip his toes in for over a century. It was time for him to come up for air, and figure out how to tread water on his own again before diving in with someone who’d never quite learned how to swim._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________________When the two of them parted ways that night, they did it in a way they hadn’t tried before: with dignity, and grace. There were no more harsh words, no more brazen stares. All there was, was all that remained between them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________________Irrevocable, unconditional, boundless, passionate, mind-numbing, all consuming love._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________________Love that would be there still when they found their way back to one another._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
